Understanding Maternal Wounds

Hold on to your hats ladies, this weeks blog post is going to be a difficult one.

In my practice, I have found one of the most painful and harrowing types of emotional wounds to heal from are the ones left by one’s mother. A maternal wound, in short, can be defined as emotional pain or trauma that was caused by neglect, addiction, or emotional/mental/physical abuse inflicted on someone by their mother or primary maternal figure. Maternal wounds are challenging to process, complex even. It can feel like a taboo to speak on the deep and profound ways that one has been negatively affected by their mother’s words or actions. Healing from and understanding how maternal wounds have affected you personally is a task far greater than this blog post accomplish. Rather, this post is meant to shine some awareness on a equally pervasive and under discussed issue while also providing gentle guidance in the direction of healing.

Signs of Maternal Wounds

To put it frankly, to experience a maternal wound is to experience a trauma. Since instances of this tend to be the most frequent and confusing to understand in childhood and adolescence, the symptoms of maternal wounds mirror that of complex-PTSD. Some symptoms of having unhealed maternal wounds may be the following:

·         People pleasing and excessive placating

·         Undulating from having high anxiety to low moods

·         Emotionally distressing thoughts, images and memories

·         Compulsively making excuses for or trying to justify the actions or behaviors of ones mother

·         Feeling the need to obtain permission before making age-appropriate decisions (example: getting mothers go ahead before getting a specific hairstyle or piercing despite being 24 years old).

·         Low self-esteem and rejection sensitivity

·         Clinginess in romantic relationships

·         And more…

Additionally, unhealed maternal wounds have been found to even cause physical symptoms in some people. These symptoms include the following:

·         Unexplained migraines

·         Gastrointestinal distress

·         Muscle tension

Your Mother’s Trauma

I hear it all of the time: “I understand why she was the way she was, I found out that when she was ____ then _____ happened.”

As one grows and becomes more aware of the severity of their mothers’ behaviors, it is not uncommon to look at what their mother has gone through and use that as a way to justify the negative behaviors. An emotionally abusive mother likely had maternal wounds of her own. Whether your mother had a dysfunctional childhood, tumultuous marriage, assault, etc. it does not excuse the ways in which she had hurt you.

Two things can be true at once: She was a victim, she also victimized.

You were still owed love, kindness and protection.

How to Move Forward

A lot of the time, people I talk to become worried that I might suggest they go no-contact or cut their mothers out of their life. I believe wholeheartedly in the power of reconciliation and healing. Though this is not always possible in every relationship. That’s where this work becomes scary. It is biologically normal to want and even crave closeness with your mother. These strained mother-daughter relationships leave a mom-sized whole in the heart that nothing else quite fits into right.

 If you are in the early stages of learning about how your maternal wounds are, you do not need to be rushed into figuring out what that relationship needs to look like. Right now, it’s just about your healing.

I strongly encourage anyone dealing with this type of pain to find a knowledgeable and compassionate therapist to work with. If you aren’t ready to take that step, I want to recommend some resources. These recommendations are not affiliate or sponsored, just some books that I genuinely believe may be helpful to you on your journey.

1.      Mean Mothers: Overcoming the Legacy of Hurt by Peg Streep

2.      Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection and Guidance by Kelly McDaniel

3.      What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex PTSD by Stephanie Foo

4. Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson

I am passionate about working with adult women overcoming maternal wounds. If you would like to speak more about starting that healing journey, contact me. This type of therapy is one I find sacred and I priority.